‘Sex ed does not teach people how to have sex.’

Here is the powerful speech our intern Jemma Gallagher opened the 2023 Relationships & Sexuality in Schools Conference with this month.

I begin by acknowledging the Gadigal people of the Eora Nation, the Traditional Custodians of the land on which we meet today and pay my respects to their Elders past, present and future. I extend that respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples here today.

I also wish to acknowledge any survivors of sexual violence here today. I myself am a survivor. As a content warning, what I am going to share with you includes content covering sexual assault, rape, and a description of sexual assault that includes choking.

Hello, my name is Jemma Gallagher, I’m 21. I am currently in my fourth year studying Occupational Therapy, I intern for Learning Consent and The Survivor Hub, and I am very passionate about comprehensive sex education for young people.

I graduated from a catholic private single sex school in 2018 and my sex ed did not adequately prepare me to start having sex.

School sex education programs differ vastly between schools depending on whether they are private, religious, state or anything else. My sex ed started with my teacher standing underneath a cross, explaining this was because she was teaching from a catholic perspective. This perspective teaches no pre-marital sex and sex is for procreation. We were taught about contraception, STI’s and how to put on condoms but this consisted of telling us abstinence is the best contraception, it’s the end of the world if you get an STI, and we had 1 class where we put a condom on a banana. This was meant to prepare us to send us out to the world. My peers and I had to learn for ourselves - experimenting with different types of contraception, learning where to get tested for STIs and dealing with STI treatment and disclosures - some STI’s are chronic but some require just 2 pills to get rid of.

When I got a pap smear last year and it came back with abnormal results, I thought it was the end of the world because my sex ed taught us that having an STI was the end of the world. We were taught it was shameful and only a small amount of people got STI’s. 90% of the sexually active population will have a strain of HPV in their lives but I had to do this research and unlearn everything I had learnt in my sex ed about STI’s to feel ok.

We were not taught that sexual assault and not giving consent does not always look the same. Sexual assault can be physically violent, but it can also be more subtle, a result of coercion and manipulation. You may orgasm during sexual assault, and you may sustain physical injuries. Sexual assault comes in many forms and can look different every time. Asking for consent can look different too; It used to be taught that “no means no” but it’s changed to “yes means yes and everything else is no”. Consent can be verbal asking “do you want to have sex?”, “do you want to kiss?” but it should also be ongoing asking “do you like this?”, “is this good?”. It can be kissing someone and them kissing you back but they don’t touch you or go any further and you’re able to read their body language that this is all they want. It can be knowing that “I’m so tired, let’s sleep” means not to try anything sexual. 

My consent education consisted of a 2 minute and 50 second video where consent was compared to drinking tea which I recall laughing at because it seemed so dumb and simple, however consent is not as simple as tea.  Consent is not tea. Drinking a cup of tea is not the same as having sex. Pressuring someone to have a cup of tea is rude, pressuring someone to have sex is rape. It’s not as simple as a cup of tea.

Perhaps if all schools delivered a comprehensive sex education, I would’ve learnt about consent in the classroom, not in a boyfriend’s bed when saying no meant nothing. 

Perhaps, if boys’ schools taught what consent actually means, the lessons my friends learnt would not have been taught through traumatic experiences.

We were not taught what sexual assault is, how it can look different to someone holding a person down and forcing their penis into a vagina. I’ve since learnt that sexual assault can be oral, vaginal, and anal. It is not always violent and can include being physically forced or manipulated to give a blow job. It can be agreeing to vaginal sex but having unwanted anal sex instead. The sex-ed I received meant I was unable to recognise abuse. I was in an 8-month abusive relationship when I was 17 with a man who was 9 years older than me. It was subtle, manipulative, and coerced abuse. The media portrays sexual abuse as hitting someone, holding them down when they’re kicking and screaming and forcing yourself on them. This happens and is absolutely horrific. However, the majority of abuse is subtle. It can be coercing someone into having sex or ignoring them saying no but then telling them “How good was that. I love you” after they’ve assaulted you. No one taught me that there are 4 trauma responses and freeze and fawn are quiet, gentle responses and do not always look like fighting back. We deserve to be taught this so that we can recognise abuse.  

I was not taught that a rapist will most likely be someone you know. 1 in 4 women will experience sexual violence in their lifetime. However, we got 1 case study about sexual assault in school. 1. The case study was based in America, where a college student was at a party, was grabbed by a stranger, taken behind a dumpster and was raped by 2 people. This is a horrific case and is truly devastating. However, this case study does not reflect the statistic that 97% of survivors of sexual assault know their perpetrator. Instead of teaching rape as an idea that a stranger attacks you at a party drunk, you need to acknowledge that most sexual assaults occur by someone known to the survivor.

My peers and I were not taught that if you are sexually assaulted, it is most likely to be in a location you are familiar and comfortable with. The education I received taught if you are raped it’ll be in a dark alleyway. It does not teach that you may be raped in your house, your boyfriend’s house, the car you own. Anywhere, but it’ll most likely be familiar. Knowing this will help individuals identify abuse.

When I told my parents about my abuse, they did not believe that was true for more than 5 months because their education was that rape is by a stranger in an alleyway. In the 30+ years since they were at school, their case studies and teachings were similar to mine which is unacceptable. My sister, who went to the exact same school as me and was the year above me took over a year to believe that what I experienced was abuse. During my healing journey I contacted my old school asking them what changed since I left school. I was told they are teaching according to catholic values and their case studies are updated yearly. My old PE teacher then contacted me to advise me the case studies have been changed to be relevant, based in Australia and to reflect domestic violence which is coercive and manipulative.

We were not taught that the perpetrator of sexual assault can be any gender, the survivors of sexual assault can be any gender.

We were not taught that masturbation can be a good thing and pleasure should be the focus of sex. In my school, Masturbation was not talked about, actually it was shamed. It wasn’t the teachers shaming us, they just never talked about it. Instead, the shame came from my peers. It was viewed as dirty and sinful. Masturbation should be promoted. Masturbation allows for you to connect with your body safely, which leads to increased self-esteem which increases sexual confidence which means you’ll be more willing to say no and ask for what you want during sex.

In both PDH and Biology we were taught the functions of the different bodily systems. The lungs are for breathing, the musculoskeletal system is for movement, the reproduction system is for reproduction, but the function of the clitoris at an all-girls school was entirely skipped over. We were told it has nerve endings but were not told it was for pleasure. We should be taught that its main function is for pleasure and we should be encouraged to explore our own bodies. A sexual partner informed me that the clitoris is for pleasure. I did not know this myself. A male had to teach me this because I hadn’t been educated about the female body at school. I thought I would’ve learnt this at school. But where did he learn about this? From porn. Sex ed is very reproduction focused, it does not focus on pleasure.

We were not taught that sex can be more than penetration, and it may be a case of trial and error to work out what is pleasurable. Sex involves foreplay. Sex does not have to be penetrative. It should focus on pleasure, not orgasm. Sex is messy, awkward, and funny at times. As students don’t get a proper sex education, they learn about sex through porn where sex is inaccurately depicted. It’s acting but it sets an expectation that there’s no awkwardness or imperfections but that’s not true. There’s often no consent, no intimacy, no communication or expression of needs, no contraception and no after care in porn.

Sex ed does not teach people how to have sex. There’s no sex positive information teaching young people how to have pleasurable sex. So they search it up online and are directed to porn hub. Therefore, so many young people learn to have sex from porn. 69% of males and 23% of females have viewed pornography by the age of 13. The median age people start having sex is 17. This means most individuals consume porn many years before their first sexual experience.Therefore, they are unknowingly applying what they see on their screens to real life. They consume porn and instead of it being a source of entertainment, it becomes their source of education. It’s how they learn to have sex, what sex should sound like, what sex should look like and how to treat a sexual partner. This can lead to incredibly unhealthy and violent views of sex.

I first consumed porn a few years after my first sexual experience. However, my first experiences of sex were rape, therefore my views were distorted. A few years after my assault, when I was consuming the porn videos I’d been recommended by a male partner, I felt deeply uncomfortable by what I was seeing, and I started to experience flashbacks to forceful sexual encounters. Clicking onto the “Porn for Women” tab did not change my opinion of porn, in fact it made it worse as I was seeing these violent depictions of sex and assuming they were normal. As I assumed elements of violence in sex was normal, when I was choked to the point where I was unconscious, I assumed nothing of it. It was my sexual partner who suggested and initiated the choking; however, he was unable to perform the act he learnt from porn safely. Why is it that when I was choked to the point where I lost consciousness, I was unable to recognise this as abuse? Because the only formal education I’d had about sex was to be abstinent and the only other sexual experiences I had been also experiences of assault.

It took me educating myself through reading books by sexologists and talking to a psychologist to learn what sex should be like. How sex should not be violent, forceful, aggressive and leave you uncomfortable. Sex should be enjoyable, safe and gentle.

Obviously, there are times where sex can be rough if that’s what both sexual partners desire and consent to, and it is normal to have kinks or fetishes as long as they are safe and respecting your partners boundaries.

It should not have to be the responsibility of young people to go through traumatic sexual experiences to learn what healthy sex looks and feels like. It should not have to be the responsibility of young people to educate themselves with minimal resources on how to engage in safe, healthy sex. It should not be left to porn to educate young people, porn is a form of entertainment, not education.

My assaults are only the fault of my abusers. It is not the fault of NSW Education. I do not blame anyone but my abusers. But if I had received an adequate sex education, I may not have been abused twice. I may have been able to identify the abuse earlier. I may have had a healthier relationship with sex.

The curriculum I had and the education I received did not talk about same sex relationships. It did not foster individuals to have their own identity and sexuality. We were not given the option to think about the same gender in a sexual way. Many friends I know have come to the realisation of being attracted to people of the same gender post-school, as it was something that was never permitted while going through school. This has meant they never felt they belonged but were not aware why. We should be educated on same sex relationships and the LGBTQIA+ community and be given the option to explore our sexual identities. I would like to think this has changed in the 4 years since I was at school but unfortunately as far as I know it has not.

I have a 15-year-old brother in year 10 at a single sex private, catholic school. I was talking to him about sexuality and being gay when he was quick to inform me that he was in fact not gay. I told him that’s ok but there is no problem with being gay. He then told me “It is if you go to an all-boys school”. This is horrifying that in 2023, it is unsafe for students to be themselves and open about their identity at their schools, a place where they spend 30 hours a week at. I really hope this changes in the near future so individuals are able to explore their sexuality and feel safe in their school environment.

It should be a minimum that sex education teaches pleasure, consent, and connection as a focus of sex. I wish I was taught what consent looks like in various forms and different ways to ask for it. I wish I was taught the number of sexual partners you have does not matter. I wish I was taught how to recognise grooming, and how to get out of uncomfortable situations. I wish my friends and I had been empowered to speak up, to say no and regain our power. I wish we had been provided with reliable and informative resources for where to get further information on sex. I wish we were taught about toxic masculinity and slut shaming. I wish we were taught about sexual coercion and how to identify it. I wish we had scheduled, compulsory and regular sex ed classes from year 7 to year 10 and beyond. I wish we were taught how to fight the patriarchy and identify misogyny and how to stand up to it.

Imagine a curriculum that could allow for sex being not just about the act of making a child, that girls can have sex with girls and boys can have sex with boys and your genitals do not dictate your gender. Imagine a curriculum which teaches students about LGBTQIA+ issues as well as encouraging their individualised identity. Imagine a curriculum that teaches that masturbation is normal and good. Imagine having your first sexual experience with someone who hasn’t learnt everything  they know from porn. Learning Consent, who I intern with, provides a whole-of-school program that offers all of this and more. Recognising that comprehensive sexuality education is a child’s human right and teaching young people about sex and consent within a framework of human rights and gender equality is necessary from kindergarten right through to year 12. We need a program like that to be the norm at every school.

And it needs to be done in collaboration with teachers and parents. We need to provide parents with resources, hold workshops and equip them to talk about these issues with their kids.

Young people deserve and require foundational consent education so they can make informed decisions about sex and their bodies. A robust education is the key to empowerment.