Sex questions from senior high school students: ‘Is choking acceptable?’
Here are the top three questions we have been asked about sex this year at our Learning Consent workshops with senior high school students:
1. Is choking acceptable?
“Choking” is the colloquial term for sexual strangulation, a dangerous practice often promoted in mainstream pornography. Medical experts warn that there is no safe way to engage in sexual strangulation and risks include permanent brain injury to accidental death.
Choking in sex is a kink, however with the increase in consumption of porn, it has become more mainstream and normalised during sex. Choking may be acceptable if all parties consent, however boundaries must be well communicated and in place.
Prior to initiating a conversation about introducing choking during sex, reflect on why you want to perform this act. It may be something you find erotic (which is normal to find kinks erotic), but are you wanting to do it because you saw or heard it from porn or via a friend? Or is this something you genuinely want to do? If so, have that conversation with your sexual partner/s and ask them what they are comfortable with. If they say yes, discuss the boundaries around the choking. Ie. having a code such as tapping your wrist to communicate if and when the choking is becoming too much.
If you decide together to introduce choking, it cannot be done without consent. Consent needs to be ongoing, enthusiastic, freely given and informed. Do not try choking unless you have discussed it thoroughly with your sexual partner/s.
Here’s an article which explains the increase and normalisation of choking during sex and the risks associated: https://www.smh.com.au/national/strangulation-during-sex-has-been-mainstreamed-but-risks-brain-damage-experts-warn-20221129-p5c216.html
2. Who do I speak to about sexual confusion?
Sexuality is about how you see and express yourself sexually. This can be who you like, who you are attracted to, who you want to date. Sexual confusion can occur when you don’t know what you are attracted to. It can be very confusing to understand and identify if you are straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual or queer. The best way to start to navigate through sexual confusion is to talk it through with a person you trust. This can be a parent, sibling, aunty, uncle, friend, teacher, counsellor, etc. You can also reach out to a member of the LGBTQIA+ community and talk with them or join a group to support you through your confusion.
This can be a confronting and difficult issue to navigate, so knowing you are not alone is important. There are resources such as QLife - 1800 184 527 https://twenty10.org.au/qlife/, Headspace, Reach out and Kids Helpline to guide you through your journey.
Check out this resource for some great articles on sexuality: https://www.minus18.org.au/articles
Here is an article with more advice on how to navigate sexual confusion: https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/sexual-identity
3. Is it bad not to talk to parents about sex?
No. Sex is a very vulnerable and private topic and it’s up to you to decide who you feel most comfortable talking about it with. Talking about sex is not shameful, but some people find talking about it with their parents can be embarrassing and/or awkward.
However, talking about sex is a great way to learn more about it, relationships and yourself. So consider speaking to an older sibling, a counsellor, your cool aunty or uncle, anyone who you trust and feel comfortable talking about vulnerable topics with. Remember, it is better to speak to someone you trust about sex than watching porn to learn about sex.
There are also some great resources such as ‘The Sex Ed you never had’ book (Buy the book here!) and plenty of online websites with reliable information about sex and relationships.
Check out the following:
· For questions related to sex and the law: Youth Law Australia https://yla.org.au/
· For questions related to sexual health: https://www.getthefacts.health.wa.gov.au/faqs/ask-a-question
· For all questions related to relationships and sex: https://www.scarleteen.com/
· Play Safe NSW, 100% anonymous and confidential questions answered by a sexual health professional: https://playsafe.health.nsw.gov.au/nurse-nettie/
· For questions related to young LGBTIQ+ people: https://qlife.org.au/resources/qguides
